Mike
09-08-2003 11:13:02
THE HANGOVER RATING SYSTEM
1 Star Hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when
you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still
able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
Vodka and red-bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still
feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a cheeseburger
and a side of fries.
2 Star Hangover * *
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you
hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour
about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you
really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly
surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 Star Hangover * * *
Slight headache, Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet
And not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her
perfume / aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with
your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 3:45 a.m. Life
would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts
and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon
of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed
once.
4 Star Hangover * * * *
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can?t
speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that
you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put
your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender).
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big
Vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade
Class picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following:
1. Home time,
2. A doughnut and somewhere to be alone
3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 Star Hangover * * * * *
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
The employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that
would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems
pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your
co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is
breathe......very gently.
6 Star Hangover * * * * * *
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were
fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep
until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed has
been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No
matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You
stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking alongthe skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you
find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid
before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your
impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your
undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the
toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting.
Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream
Down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she
usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your
Stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals,
but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are
starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils
projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you
pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into
bed. She /He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits
of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a
shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an
option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make
you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who
knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.
1 Star Hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when
you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still
able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
Vodka and red-bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still
feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a cheeseburger
and a side of fries.
2 Star Hangover * *
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you
hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour
about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you
really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly
surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 Star Hangover * * *
Slight headache, Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet
And not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her
perfume / aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with
your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 3:45 a.m. Life
would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts
and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon
of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed
once.
4 Star Hangover * * * *
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can?t
speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that
you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put
your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender).
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big
Vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade
Class picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following:
1. Home time,
2. A doughnut and somewhere to be alone
3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 Star Hangover * * * * *
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
The employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that
would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems
pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your
co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is
breathe......very gently.
6 Star Hangover * * * * * *
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were
fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep
until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed has
been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No
matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You
stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking alongthe skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you
find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid
before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your
impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your
undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the
toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting.
Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream
Down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she
usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your
Stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals,
but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are
starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils
projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you
pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into
bed. She /He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits
of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a
shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an
option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make
you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who
knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.